Sufficient Strength

I have felt called to write for many years. I love writing. I am happy while I am writing. It is joy, it is love, and at times, it is therapy. I have written essays and articles, as well as posts and even a novel (not a good one, but that is a post for another time). I have been trying to figure out “what” to write for a while. Should I find a job writing or take another stab at a book or something else? That is when the Lord led me to begin this blog. I have explained here why I thought I originally started this blog, and while I still believe that is what I want to address here, I find myself staring down a road I never ever expected and a whole new BIG reason that I need sufficient strength.

I haven’t written in a while for many reasons. One is that it is summer and trying to create cohesive thoughts with teenagers in my house is near impossible. The other reason is I have been in and out of doctors offices since the beginning of summer vacation. I have recently been diagnosed with Addison’s Disease. You don’t know what it is? Don’t worry, I didn’t either. I do now, kind of.

Apparently, my body has decided to attack my adrenal glands and they are no longer producing hormones that are vital to survival. I am no longer producing cortisol or aldosterone, both of which are essential to keeping my blood pressure from bottoming out and producing salt among other things. I am not going to try to explain it too much as I still really am not sure what it does completely. I just know that my body isn’t producing it and now I find myself staring at three doses a day of hydrocortisone and a dose of fludrocortisone every day just to stay level.

One of my purposes for this page was to have a space for women to talk about health in their 40s and beyond. I have been health focused most of my life. I have found joy and passion in pursuing fitness. My health has always been of the utmost importance. And now I feel like it is being taken away from me. I just left my 6th doctor’s appointment in 5 weeks. My weight feels out of my hands as I watch my face and hands swell because of meds as we work to find the right dose. I am completely dependent on steroids; I now carry an emergency dose in a syringe; and,even better, I get to sport a beautiful bracelet exclaiming to the world that I am not healthy. How is this my life? I have been in the weeds mentally since this diagnosis. It has been very hard for me to process all of it, and I have been having very tough prayer times with God.

On Sunday I sat in church quite angry, and then, not ironically, the sermon was on facing storms in your life. Ha, funny God. I listened with my arms folded. “You won’t get me this way, God. I’m still mad.” Tears poured as I was told it is ok to be mad, but you have to lean on God’s will and worship through the pain. I don’t want to worship. I want to pout. I want to be mad. None of this is fair. This isn’t the life I wanted. I softened a little on Monday. “Fine, show me what You want me to do.” Yesterday, He whispered, I will give you sufficient strength. That title I had agonized over all winter and early spring. I wanted to find the right message and theme to focus not only on fitness and health (mental and physical), but also on my faith. It was in this moment that I realized I find my joy here and in Him and in what He asked me to do.

Sufficiency… just enough. Adequate. No more or no less than I need. 2 Corinthians 12:9 the Lord says, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” I thought of this verse when crafting the title of the blog, but only God saw into the future to see how deeply I would have to lean on this verse.

I am not going to write woe is me. I am not going to let this be a place to complain about my new illness. So many people are facing far worse in this world than what I am. I want to be sensitive of that, but if I am going to honest and vulnerable in writing then I have to be open about what I am facing. When we realize that all of us are facing trials in this life we can love each other deeply and create a community to learn from one another. This is a place that we learn to lean on God. A place to share ideas and thoughts about life as we age and grow. It’s still the same place. I just have a different perspective now. One that is changing a lot these days. It is is all SO new. I just know that if I find joy in writing and He called me to do it, I will do it.