Well, it’s been a while. The last time I wrote anything on this blog or in life was August 7th, 2024. It has been nearly 6 months. Have I thought about it? Sure. Could have found something to write about? Of course. Did I have something to say? Probably.
As I have mentioned in the past, I write for me. Yes, I hope to inspire others or entertain them. I hope my words serve a purpose, but the joy I get from writing is really all I am searching for when I sit down at my computer. The problem is, in full disclosure and vulnerability, it has been very difficult in the last six months to find joy in anything. I can tell you that August kicked off football season for my Senior. I can tell you that I was super busy with work and kids and life that I just didn’t make time to write. All of that is true; but if I want to create a place in this world where people are open and honest then I have to be too. Depression is real, folks. Even for those who love the Lord.
For the last several months my head knowledge and my heart knowledge have been at war. It has been real and ugly and hard. I have learned in real time how alive spiritual warfare is and how easy it is for Satan to worm his way in and how easy it is to believe him. I have had times in my life that I have tasted and seen how good God is. I know my Savior loves me. I have experienced his love and grace and mercy firsthand countless times. But what happens when the bad stuff comes in and even though you KNOW that God is good, you can’t FEEL that He is?
In the last eight months there have been illnesses and deaths and really hard times at work and really hard times with our kids. Every time I felt I could stand up and look for His mercy I got knocked down again. I would go to church and sing and try really hard to worship through the pain I felt, because I know that one thing that hurts Satan the most if worshipping when you don’t want to. I knew I had to keep exercising that muscle. I had to keep reading the Bible and singing the songs when I could. I knew the only way through the valley was to keep walking. So, I did. And I got knocked down a lot. I crawled until I felt well enough to stand.
I think as a people of faith it is important for us to be honest about our walks of faith. When we always pretend like things are perfect, we never get a chance to grow in that faith. It is through the trials and suffering that we learn and refine and strengthen. I heard a Pastor say that if you never had a time where you questioned what God was doing in your life it may be because you haven’t let Him do anything. In the last 8 months I feel like God has taken a lot of things away from me that I thought I could depend on. I thought they were under my control. I thought they were certainties in my life. There was a line in a movie we watched last night that I keep thinking about: “If there was only certainty and no doubt, there would be no mystery and therefore no need for faith.”
The only thing I know for certain is that God is real. I have experienced Him too much in my life to not know this. No matter the darkness or depression that comes my way, there is a God who loves me and who is with me in the valley and the darkness just as much as the mountaintop and the light. It’s ok if you are walking through hard times. It’s ok if you don’t want to hear about the good on the other side. Just know you are not alone and if and when you need support there are people all around you that can sit with you until you’re ready to stand.